Saturday, June 4, 2011

Never in a Million Years

I haven't been blogging that much because, to be completely honest, I doubted anyone would want to read my blog. Then, I got to thinking that maybe it doesn't matter if others want to read it. I love writing this blog and have so many ideas to make it better. I would love to share my story with people possibly going through the same thing. I am dealing with things right now that I never in a million years thought I would have to deal with.

What's going to happen next?

It's no secret that I have some health issues. I went to the Endocrinologist almost 2 months ago to get the results of my MRI. The doctor told me I had a tumor on my pituitary gland that is producing way too much prolactin. I am currently taking medication to try to shrink the tumor. It has been about 6 weeks, and I really don't feel different. If anything, I feel worse and have been left with really horrible migraines. I am still trying to hold out hope, but it's difficult.

I'm trying my best to stay positive, but sometimes I start to lose hope. I feel like everything is just being taken away from me. In addition to headaches, I am tired a lot and I have gained 25 lbs since the beginning of the year. I really don't want to share that I had gained so much weight, since I wanted to make this a blog about healthy living, but I feel like I have to keep it real. In addition to the weight I have also been losing some of my hair. It is so frustrating!

When I first starting taking the pills, I was hopeful that I would be able to lose the weight and things would start returning to normal for me. I have been working extra hard and concentrating on eating healthy and working out. I am running as much as I can, walking my dogs more everyday and doing P90X (on week 3!) and using the elliptical. I gained 4 lbs in May! ugh!

Dealing with this has been harder than I could ever imagine.  I always thought one of my best qualities was my determination and never ever giving up. I'm starting to think that the fact that I am so determined is going to drive me crazy. I wish I could just sit around and say "Poor me..." and be all depressed and give up and just accept it, but I can't. I want to run a marathon in the next few years, I want to run another 1/2 marathon soon! I want to log those miles I used to every week. I'm not going to lie, I am super girly and just plain out love dressing up and wearing makeup and fixing my hair. A lot of that has been taken away from me too. Some days I just despise looking in the mirror and putting on makeup because my face is way fuller than I can ever remember. I feel like a chipmunk. And don't even get me started on my hair....

Will I ever smile like this again?

My confidence = non existent. Summer time to me used to mean  no makeup, short PINK shorts,tank tops, and dresses, with my hair in a messy ponytail. Now, I feel like a hermit and dread even getting out of bed in the morning.

But... the most devastating thing to me (and J) is that I may never be able to have children. This broke my heart. J and I have worked hard our whole lives together building a life that we wanted to share with future little Fugates. I always thought when we were ready and decided it was time then it would happen right away and everything would be great. Well, that just isn't the case. I have my dogs and I love them, and I put up a strong front sometimes saying I can be ok without starting a family, but I really don't know anymore. J has been super supportive during this part of my journey. He tells me all he needs is me and I love him for that, but I can't help but feel like I am letting him down. Sometimes our 4 bedroom home just seems so big and empty. This was our dream and we built it for our future children, and some days, I wish we could sell it and move away.

We love you Mommy!
Did I share too much? I fell like I may have, but this is my reality. Life really isn't always lollipops and roses and cute little chihuahuas (no matter how much I wish it could be!).

I rang in the new year with great hopes and dreams for this year and instead I was hit with the hardest challenge of my life.

Writing is therapeutic for me and for some reason just typing this out makes me feel a little better. If anyone is still reading this, I promise to make future posts more cheery and happy! I just needed today to get it all out and to recenter myself so I can work harder in the future (told ya I was determined to never give up!)


  1. Writing can be very therapeutic Lauren and although I don't really comment on much I do read your posts to keep up on everybody as Karen and I don't talk as much as we used to. I know in my heart that all will work out for you. When I first met you I thought WOW, how lucky our little J was (cause at that point to me he was still a kid) to find you. You are cute, smart, sweet and I know he loves you with all his heart as does the rest of his family. Just keep writing and it will help, I know that when I was first dealing with my tumor it helped to write....even if nobody listens, it helps. I am so glad to have you all in my life and I will pray for you and J. Love you guys !

  2. I hope you continue to write on your blog. It's not about readers, it's about making you feel better.
    I'm sorry to hear all that you are going through hopefully life will start to get better. I know how it feels to not feel good, to gain weight, and to lose that self confidence in yourself. Hang in there.