|What's going to happen next?|
It's no secret that I have some health issues. I went to the Endocrinologist almost 2 months ago to get the results of my MRI. The doctor told me I had a tumor on my pituitary gland that is producing way too much prolactin. I am currently taking medication to try to shrink the tumor. It has been about 6 weeks, and I really don't feel different. If anything, I feel worse and have been left with really horrible migraines. I am still trying to hold out hope, but it's difficult.
I'm trying my best to stay positive, but sometimes I start to lose hope. I feel like everything is just being taken away from me. In addition to headaches, I am tired a lot and I have gained 25 lbs since the beginning of the year. I really don't want to share that I had gained so much weight, since I wanted to make this a blog about healthy living, but I feel like I have to keep it real. In addition to the weight I have also been losing some of my hair. It is so frustrating!
When I first starting taking the pills, I was hopeful that I would be able to lose the weight and things would start returning to normal for me. I have been working extra hard and concentrating on eating healthy and working out. I am running as much as I can, walking my dogs more everyday and doing P90X (on week 3!) and using the elliptical. I gained 4 lbs in May! ugh!
Dealing with this has been harder than I could ever imagine. I always thought one of my best qualities was my determination and never ever giving up. I'm starting to think that the fact that I am so determined is going to drive me crazy. I wish I could just sit around and say "Poor me..." and be all depressed and give up and just accept it, but I can't. I want to run a marathon in the next few years, I want to run another 1/2 marathon soon! I want to log those miles I used to every week. I'm not going to lie, I am super girly and just plain out love dressing up and wearing makeup and fixing my hair. A lot of that has been taken away from me too. Some days I just despise looking in the mirror and putting on makeup because my face is way fuller than I can ever remember. I feel like a chipmunk. And don't even get me started on my hair....
|Will I ever smile like this again?|
My confidence = non existent. Summer time to me used to mean no makeup, short PINK shorts,tank tops, and dresses, with my hair in a messy ponytail. Now, I feel like a hermit and dread even getting out of bed in the morning.
But... the most devastating thing to me (and J) is that I may never be able to have children. This broke my heart. J and I have worked hard our whole lives together building a life that we wanted to share with future little Fugates. I always thought when we were ready and decided it was time then it would happen right away and everything would be great. Well, that just isn't the case. I have my dogs and I love them, and I put up a strong front sometimes saying I can be ok without starting a family, but I really don't know anymore. J has been super supportive during this part of my journey. He tells me all he needs is me and I love him for that, but I can't help but feel like I am letting him down. Sometimes our 4 bedroom home just seems so big and empty. This was our dream and we built it for our future children, and some days, I wish we could sell it and move away.
|We love you Mommy!|
I rang in the new year with great hopes and dreams for this year and instead I was hit with the hardest challenge of my life.
Writing is therapeutic for me and for some reason just typing this out makes me feel a little better. If anyone is still reading this, I promise to make future posts more cheery and happy! I just needed today to get it all out and to recenter myself so I can work harder in the future (told ya I was determined to never give up!)